“Thinking Like A Man”, Oh It’s Not That Easy!

There are many article, books, movies, & stories by & for women about what they want from their husbands, partners, or lovers, but so few by men. So here is one!

Ever since the release of Mel Gibson; movie What Women Want  earlier in the 2000s, everyone been tiring to finding out the “inside scoop” on what the opposite sex truly wants and desires! And now with Steve Harvey’sThink Like A Man” coming out this today interest seems to have RE-skyrocketed! Perhaps you have seen some of the surveys on this topic that have been circulating in books, magazines, e-mails Dr. Phil and all the other self-help talk shows. But what would you guess is at the top of most husbands’ lists of things they want from their wife? Sex, right? Noop! That was my first guess too. In our current cultural climate, it’s easy to assume that sex dominates every man’s thoughts, hopes, and dreams. And it’s true that sex does rank high on most husbands’ want lists i.e. (1A or a very close second). But ask an honest and mature man what they want first and foremost from their wives, and the majority will not say, “Sex.” They’ll answer, “Respect ~ R.E.S.P.E.C.T!” according to *(2012 Askmen.com poll 83.4% & a 2010 Men’s Health polls 79% of men over thirty said “Respect me first!”)

Ok! So before we get started, you may ask what are my credentials i.e. (Master/PHD in Psychology? No. Couples counselor for multiple years? Not yet, working on that. Just like Steve Harvey, I’m a man, with in my life tyme have had some good/bad relationships. All of which that has helped me to become the man/husband I am today. I realize that I am a happy to be a married man! One who is just coming to grips and revelation after 7 years on becoming a Godly husband to my wife.

I’m far far from flawless! But I’m perfectly flawed! No one is perfect but being imperfect with all of my flaws makes me perfectly me. No one else could be me more perfectly then me!  But I’m working toward Godly perfection, and a perfect marriage. ~ADB                              And beside these are just my opinions on my blog website!”

Since men do not discuss their feelings as easily as women, it is often difficult to determine just what they expect out of a relationship, especially a marriage. Many women throughout tyme have been devastated by a sudden divorce request from their husbands. They may have thought that he was perfectly happy but in truth, he was completely miserable. In order to keep your marriage healthy it is vitally important to understand what men really want in a wife and how to be the wife that they want and need! To understand the concept of what men really want you can look at some of the marriage priorities that men have given over the years to their pastor, co-workers,  friends and barber/therapist .

Do I have the “quote ~ unquote” “perfect marriage?” If I were to answer yes, I would be denying all the stretch marks left by a great deal of personal growth experienced throughout our marriage. We’ve been married for 7 years and just renewed our vowels, and my wife and I are best friends. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. Does that mean I wouldn’t like to shake her silly sometymes YES! But every coin has a flip side to it. And I know she like to POP me in the back of my head with a Cast-iron Frying pan at tymes too! Because she has told me on many occasions! But just because your marriage is far from perfect does not mean your marriage is not rooted in God’s plan! We are God’s masterpieces, a work in progress that is rough around the edges! That finished diamond. But we are actively seeking a biblical one flesh marriage. A marriage where we can be known completely by each other and by God. One of love.

What is perfection in a marriage, anyway? Is it a lifelong perception of what things should be like, based on fantasy, or is it a perspective, achieved after having studied everything a person has witnessed throughout their life and decided was close enough? In my perspective, over the past twenty three years of my married life when my wife and I worked toward a mutual goal as a team with two different ways of thinking, and molding those different thought patterns together it was our perception that things worked out great. Whenever one of us thought that their way was the only way, defecation occurred, (Google it if you need to).

Quick spiritual commercial break:

Marriage sounds hard! Because it is! Very, Extremely!! But when you realize how blessed you are? Like I have been, it’s worth it!!! Someone LIED when they said it was easy when 2 became 1! What is that ? That NEW MATH? It is a lot easier though, when both individuals in the marriage realize that there is more involved than their individuality. We need to let God begins to rewrite the song on our hearts, a song created after His own image. For God is a Trinity–Father, Son, and Holy Spirit–in which the perfect and abiding Friendship exists from all eternity. How does God develop it? If we really want to become best friends in your marriage, we must first embrace God’s lyrics of friendship and then let the Holy Spirit fill in the melody of friendship. The first divine lyric of friendship is that we must commit ourselves to becoming best friends in our marriage, no matter the cost–we really have to want it. Our motto is corny but it’s ours “You & Me Against the World!”

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24).

Becoming best friends in marriage means that we must become sticky friends.  The word used in Proverbs 18:24 for “sticks” is the same word used in Genesis 2:24 for “cleaving”  “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”  “Cleaving” or “sticking” is a commitment to permanency in marriage, to be glued together for life. Without such a permanent bond, best friendships in marriage will eventually disintegrate. Superficial companionship are the best for which we can hope.

Whatever the adversity, the “sticky friend” rushes headlong into the crisis and brings the sweet counsel of friendship. You see, a “sticky friendship” marriage is not merely formed with the best of intentions. It is “Taught by the Holy Spirit, Trained by Experience, Tried, Tested & Forged in the Fire of Adversity!

Now back to the scheduled topic at hand:

First and foremost, it’s not complicated. What men really want from their wives is appreciation. We want to know that you appreciate the work that they do and everything that they contribute to your marriage and family. Simply put, men do not want to feel as if they are being taken advantage of. Just imagine how you would feel if you didn’t think anyone appreciated all the hard work you do? Men are no exception.

“He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed and unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure,” says relationship expert John Gray. “Many women today don’t realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too.” We want our wives to laugh and smile frequently. We want you to laugh at our bad jokes and appreciate our dumb stories of past glory days i.e. “H.S / College Football or old Army tales”. Of course you don’t want to plaster a fake Ms. America smile on your face at all tymes. You need to really keep a good sense of humor and appreciate the little ways that we tries to make you smile. So many men slog it out, day after day and it’s never good enough?!? Their pain is palpable. They want that love and respect so badly that they keep trying despite the lack of positive reinforcement. They’re acting like servants, but certainly not being treated like kings…

Yes, of course, there are situations where it’s reversed. I know women who try with lack of response. I know women who are the victims of repeated criticisms and abuse. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not diminishing that! But that is not the issue here. The issue here is what the responsibility is for a married women and are they fulfilling it? As they say in every wise marriage class, marriage is not about give and take, it’s not 50/50, there is no 80/20 rule applying here, it’s not about equal division of labor (it’s not Ford auto plant!); marriage is about each side giving and giving and giving 100%, 99 and a half just won’t do!

Finally – and this is the big one – he wants tyme alone with you. Although a healthy sex life is important to many men, being alone together does not necessarily mean for sex. It is important for you both to be sexually satisfied but it may be a bit more important to just spend alone tyme together. A date night once every week or so will do wonders for his self-esteem and yours as well. It will help you to create and maintain a stronger bond between you. Men want to know that their wives want to be with them. Honestly, men are like little boys sometymes who often feel self-conscious and frightened. It is important that you show your husband that you are still attracted to him, not just sexually but emotionally as well. He needs you to be his Ride-Or-Chic, his Spinach when he weak.

If you feel that your husband is not currently happy then discuss these issues with him.

Ask him how he feels about your marriage and your personal relationship. Give him the opportunity to speak up about what he feels is missing in your marriage. Communication is the key to a successful marriage. Talk to him and ensure that you are both getting everything that you dreamed from your relationship.

Try adding the following sweet notes to God’s lyrics so if you want to become best friends in your marriage,

  • First and foremost, embrace Jesus Christ who is our ultimate Sticky Friend–love and obey Him as one of His disciples.  Ask Him to make you best friends with your mate.
  • Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.  You are My friends if you do what I command you.  No longer do I call you slaves.  For the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you (John 15:13-15).
  • Go back and replay your falling-in-love days, when you and your mate first became best friends.  Schedule a date.  Talk to each other.  Listen to each other.  Play, laugh, and dream again.
  • Always ask God to give you the right wording and timing when you need to “speak the truth in love” with your mate.  “Wounding” is always remedial, never punitive.
  • Link up with another couple who are also trying to develop into “sticky friends.”  Spend tyme together.  Share ideas.  Encourage each other.

*Source: bymoms.com & Dr. Barry R. Leventhal Two Becoming One publications

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